


Deranged

by astroboii



Category: Divergent - All Media Types, Divergent Series - Veronica Roth
Genre: Action/Adventure, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Death, F/M, Fiction, Slow Burn, Unhealthy Relationships, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:01:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24227017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astroboii/pseuds/astroboii
Summary: Its too late, I think, with my knife stuck between the ribs of an innocent person. I’ve killed someone. I've killed someone and I still feel weak. I run the knife deeper, screaming through my clenched teeth. There's tears running down my cheeks. But of all the emotions raging in my head, none of them are remorse.
Relationships: Eric (Divergent)/Original Character(s), Eric (Divergent)/Original Female Character(s), Eric Coulter/Alex Thysia
Comments: 4
Kudos: 6





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: i don't own anything that pertains to the books series Divergent, but some of the things you might read here that weren't in the stories, i've come up with myself. enjoy :)

I hear laughter behind me as I run my way through the field. I’m tempted to keep running but I force my head to turn and grin at the girl behind me. 

My sister is effortlessly beautiful. It’s the kind of beautiful that only really exists because it seeps out from the inside. She’s wearing a red dress that moves around her knees as she runs through the long grass. Her amber curls are bouncing in the sunlight. It would be almost breathtaking if jealousy didn’t overwhelm every other emotion. She belongs here as sure as anything. I have to remind myself that everyone has their poisons, but she hides them so well. So well. 

To any onlooker, I’m a splitting image of my sister. We’re both on the shorter side, just on the verge of being too skinny that we would just be considered lean, and we both have piercing green eyes. Our hair falls into golden curls over our shoulders. My dimples might be a little deeper but that’s just details. 

We slow down to a walk and eventually stop. My legs don’t burn from all the running anymore, they’ve grown accustomed to my factions constant movement and activity. I feel a sudden surge of joy, looking out onto the fields, watching other Amity girls and boys running and laughing. The melodic strings of a banjo ride the wind toward us and I let the song wash over me. 

I sit down in the grass, my smile breaking into a grin, as I watch my sister Annie do the same thing. We sit silent for a few minutes, listening to the distant chatter of others.

“How are you feeling?"

I turn back to Annie at the sound of her voice and she smiles at me. I suddenly want to spill all my secrets, I want to tell her everything. I almost can’t hold back, but something keeps my mouth shut. I smile back, and it’s not too hard. 

“I feel excited,” I pick at some grass, watching it scatter in the wind. “I think it’s exciting.”

“You’re not scared?”

“Nope” I answer a little too quickly, maybe even a little too harshly. I try to bring back my inner peace. “Of course not, the test is going to tell us what to pick, isn’t it?” I lie through a mask of a smile. 

“Yes, I know.” 

I look up at her from the grass, trying to find the hesitation I just hear somewhere in her expression. I catch the end of it before it disappears into a cheerful expression, her cheeks pink from the sun.

“Are you?”

“Maybe just a little.”

It feels like she’s trying to tell me something with her expression. I turn back to the grass. I can’t respond. Something in me cringes away from such a display of vulnerability. I don’t even know how to respond. We sit silently again. Eventually, she starts to sing a melody under her breath. I let my thoughts wander.

Amity is my home, I know it is. It runs thick in my veins like it does in Annie's. I believe in trust and self-sufficiency and kindness and forgiveness, but something inside me craves more. How can that be all that I am? I’m going to have to choose tomorrow, make a choice that will define who I am. I look up at Annie and realize why I acted so selfishly, why I didn’t tell her. I want to keep this for myself. I want to make this something I choose, something I decided to do because I wanted to do it. Because that should be enough. 

I’m just scared that one day what my faction represents is all that will define me. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is my first fanfic ever! i was a little scared to post, and it is a little short, but im all ears for any thoughts or suggestions!


	2. Chapter 2

My vision bounces as I watch the fields of Amity fade in the distance. The hay in the back of the truck I’m sitting in pinches and scratches at my legs but I hardly notice. I’m so caught up in my head, I’m letting the roar of my emotions disrupt my peace. I reach out and grab Annie's hand, hoping it can help reel in my wandering thoughts. She always manages to ground me before I fly off too far but as I look up at her face, smiling, I can tell somethings wrong. 

Her face is white, as pale as a sheet. I think back to our conversation yesterday and rake through my brain for any reason the test results should scare her. It had seemed obvious from the very beginning that Annie would always belong in Amity. Was I wrong?

I don’t know what to say, I don’t even know if there is anything to say. I felt comfortable in knowing that my sister was where she belonged, but it was probably thoughtless of me to assume I was the only one with uncertainty about my future home. I try not to recognize Annie’s fear because it means recognizing my own, and I’ve been avoiding that since I woke up in a cold sweat this morning. In the end, I turn away. 

As soon as the trucks stop, the Amity girls and boys beside me jump down from the bed of the truck and run laughing into the school, yelling out names of classmates as a way of saying hello. They’re all smiling and something about that is beautiful. It makes my heart feel full, like this could be all I ever need. That though seems to run across lots of Amity minds, because no one’s talking about the aptitude test. Most of us like to believe we would always be this happy in Amity. I don’t let go of Annie’s hand as we jump down from the truck and even as we run inside. 

As soon as we enter the school, I’m beaming. I love going to school, it’s such a big contrast to my faction, with no one person like the other. It’s like a breath of fresh air. The fascination crawls under my skin and makes me feel alive, lighting up the ends of all my nerves. I keep this feeling for myself, so that I can take it out at home, in Amity, when I’m feeling lonely. I try to distract myself by watching everyone, try to keep my thoughts away from the test but I can’t help it. I need to know my results. 

I sit with the other Amity in the cafeteria, playing one of my favorite games. I let myself laugh, and eventually it comes naturally and for a few minutes I am able to distract myself. Soon enough, my eyes start to greedily wander to the other tables. Something inside me feeds off the power I feel knowing that this choice is mine. I can choose whatever faction I want.

I could be selfless like the Abnegation, devote my life to others. I can be just and honest like the Candor. I look towards the Erudite and could see myself studying in the pursuit of knowledge. My eyes fall to the table of darkly clothed students, their piercings gleaming from the lights. Dauntless. Something scary and dark and nasty starts to creep into my mind and I quickly shake my head and turn away. 

I know that Amity will always be somewhere I can feel at home, where I can be comfortable and safe and myself. 

“Alexandra and Anastasia Thysia”

My brain hiccups at the sound of my name. My legs feel like there’s bags of sand tied to them, but my mind feels stern. I get up from my seat and look back at Annie. She’s following a man into a test room but she turns around to smile, looking back at me like she knows nothing will ever be the same. 

I follow the woman who called my name out of the cafeteria and we enter another, smaller room. I feel a bead of sweat roll down my back. She doesn’t say anything but just gestures towards the chair at the center of the room so I quickly walk over to sit down. The air is still as I watch her. She has her hair tied back, exposing a number of tattoos behind her ear and down her neck. A few peek out from under her shirt sleeves, running down her arms. It’s beautiful. Her dark clothing highlights her pale skin and piercing eyes. I’m staring but she just smiles at me. 

“I’m Tori, I’m going to be administering your aptitude test.” 

I look down at her hands, which hold an electrode. A shiver runs up my spine. She brushes my curls aside and places it on my forehead, attaching me to the computer through a wire. 

“Is it going to hurt?” The words fall from my mouth before I can stop them. She raises her eyebrows. 

“Hardly” She attaches another electrode to her own forehead. She steps back to the little table by the computer and picks up a vial of bright blue liquid. She passes it to me. 

“What is it?” I look up at her and she looks like she’s holding back a laugh. 

“Drink it.” She watches me drink it, like she’s afraid I’ll throw it up or something. I can feel it slide down my throat. I wince. 

“What are they going to make me do?” 

“I can’t tell you that.” She must notice my hands shaking because just as I feel my consciousness slip away, she murmurs to me. 

“Be brave.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another little chapter. do readers usually like longer chapters that come less frequently or shorter chapters that are uploaded more often?


	3. Chapter 3

I open my eyes and feel as if I've been ripped away from reality, my heart beating against my chest like it wants to escape. I'm standing in an empty room, the walls covered in mirrors, filling the room with my reflection. I notice a table in front of me with two baskets that I swear were not there a second ago. One basket holds a piece of cheese and the other is holding a knife. 

“Choose” I nearly jump at the sound of a voice. I look around trying to find where it came from but I don’t see anything so I turn back to the baskets. Choose? I look at the two options and try to think of what might happen when I choose one. I look towards the cheese, and reach for it. 

“Choose!” I jump, yanking my hand back, looking around again. My heart beats frantically as I turn back to the baskets. My arm shakes as I reach out and then the baskets are gone. I stand in the middle of the empty room, clutching the knife with my sweaty palms. The cool metal of the handle digs into my skin but I can barely feel it. 

_ Be brave.  _

I hear an echo in my head. 

I hear another noise, echoing along the walls and I swivel around towards it. A dog is standing in the middle of the room, growling like it has one thing on it’s mind. I suddenly wish I had taken the cheese. That dog is going to attack me and with teeth like that it’s easy to believe that it’s going to kill me. My grip on the knife has become painful. The dog starts to move and I feel the hair on my back rise, goosebumps running up my arms. 

The dog stalks closer to me and my eyes start to water. It makes my vision blur so I blink them away, just to see the dog even closer now. What did I think I was going to do with the knife? I look at the dog and shudder. I can’t kill it. I can’t. I won’t. I close my eyes and more tears drip down my cheeks. It makes me angry, I want to wipe them away but I feel paralyzed. I can’t cry. 

I look down at my hands, my knuckles white with pressure and act without thinking. In a split second, I drop down to my knees. It’s as if I can already see the blood on the knife. It’s my blood. A sob escapes my mouth, and I cover my mouth with the hand holding the knife, tasting bile in my throat. 

With another sob, I let go of the knife and it clatters to the ground, making the dog bark. I think back to Amity and how my sister had taught me to feed the wild animals running through the forest. 

_ They’re just scared. You’re bigger than them and that makes them feel frightened.  _

My sister’s voice rings in my head. I curl into myself, making myself appear smaller and looking somewhere in front of the dog, I hold my hand out. I’m shaking like a leaf but I can’t stop. I feel more tears stream down my face. My eyes squeeze shut and I grit my teeth, my jaw aching with the pressure. The air is still and it’s almost too silent. 

All of a sudden I feel something wet between my fingers. My eyes shoot up towards my hand and I see the dog sniffing my fingers, licking between them. I start to giggle, disbelieving, and end up laughing. Relief surges through me like a river and I break into a grin. 

I almost don’t hear the giggle beside me, but I turn to smile at the sound, almost on instinct. I see a little girl running towards me. Towards me and the dog. My heart starts to pound in my ears again and I have seconds to act. I try to say something, but I freeze from the voice inside my head. 

_ We must make sacrifices to keep the peace.  _

But we have to be kind. 

_ Have trust in life, every action has meaning.  _

Those few seconds I sat frozen in shock were enough to change everything. I watch the dog attack the girl and I hear screaming. It takes me a moment to realize it’s coming from my own mouth. My body feels weighed down, like it’s filling with water and I’m drowning. Everything inside me is flooding and I can’t breathe, my face streaked with tears as I watch the dog tear apart the little girl in front of my eyes, with the knife laying not two inches away from me. 

I can’t watch anymore so I close my eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaand another one. enjoy :)


	4. Chapter 4

I wake up in a cold sweat, and my eyes are burning. It’s almost too silent but I can still hear the screams echoing in my head. Something in me collapses and I feel like I can’t breath. Something is wrong, everything is wrong. I know I chose wrong, but as I run through the test in my mind I can’t imagine realistically choosing differently. 

I suddenly remember where I am and rub my sleeves against my face to wipe away the tears. I look up at Tori and she has a weird expression on her face, almost like she’s eaten something distasteful. I panic, and try to smile at her but it comes out like a wince. How can I smile when I just watched a girl die?

“What was my result?” My voice comes out in a gasp, like I’m drowning. Tori turns to look back at her computer, like she has to make sure she’s got it right, and then looks back at me. She seems confused, like it’s not something she thought she would see. 

“Amity”

“No” I choke on the word. “ It can’t be.”

I’m crying again and it wakes up something nasty in me. I want to hurt myself, for being so weak. To punish myself for what I couldn’t do. 

I just wanted to be brave. 

I sit up from the chair and wipe hastily at my face with my sleeve. I reach up, about to rip the electrode from my forehead, but another hand grabs at my wrist. I clench my teeth. 

“You’ll rip it.” I hear Tori’s voice next to mine. More unwanted tears spill from my cheeks and my jaw starts to ache. 

Tori looks at me for a few beats and then sighs. 

“I don’t understand.”

“What?” 

“Your results. They aren’t the typical Amity results.” I feel frantic again. 

“But I got Amity. I’m Amity.” 

“Typical Amity don’t choose what you chose.”

It feels like she had just reached into my chest and ripped my heart out. What am I then? 

“What does that mean?” 

“I don’t know.” The sharpness of her words make me turn away to blink back tears. I hear her sigh again. “In the end, all other factions were ruled out and you showed enough Amity to get it as a result.”

I wonder if that was supposed to comfort me. By the look of her face, it didn’t even comfort her. 

“It doesn’t have to change what I choose.” I try to say it with confidence, but it escapes like a question. 

“It doesn’t.” There's a brief pause. “But you should remember that the test shows you who you are.” I shiver. I can’t accept that because that means I’m a murderer, that’s who I really am. I’m a coward. I’m weak. 

Except I want to be brave. 

“I think,” I stand up from the chair, barely keeping my legs from wobbling. “I think I get to decide who I am.” 

“That’s a dangerous thing to say.” Tori is staring at me.

I frown. I know it's a dangerous thing to say, that’s why I said it. I turn towards the door to leave. 

“Choose wisely tomorrow. For your sake if not for everyone else’s.” I look back at her and my frown deepens. My sake? Everyone else's? What does that even mean? 

I force a smile and turn back to the door. I turn the knob and step outside. It feels like I’m taking my first real breath since I walked into the room so I stand for a few seconds just outside the door to breath. 

I take a step and then another one and I’m walking away. I want to scream, the pressure in my head is building up and all of a sudden it’s too much. I stand at the entrance to the cafeteria and search for my sister’s face. Just as I feel like my head will explode I find my sister, and the look on her face says something is very, very wrong. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thx for the kudo!!


	5. Chapter 5

It’s dark outside and the sound of crickets overwhelms the sound of soft chatter from the crowds of Amity. It’s dark and a bit cold, but the fire we’ve lit keeps our fingertips warm. Tomorrow is Choosing Day, and we’ve been instructed to keep to ourselves tonight, so we can think about our upcoming decision. 

Now, more than ever though, I just want to be surrounded by Amity chatter and laughter, to distract me from thinking about what happened in my test room. 

Sitting here, across from my parents, my heart aches from loneliness. My mother sits comfortably, with her head leaning against my father’s shoulder. Both of them look so, so happy. I’ve always felt like I was the one that might take that look away from them, but thinking back to the way Annie looked after the test, I don’t know anymore. I look over at my sister and she’s clearly tired, and her cuticles are bleeding. She’s staring at the campfire in front of us so I turn back around. 

In Amity, we’re taught that the whole of our faction is family, that there are no boundaries and no walls between any two people. In a way, it’s a beautiful thought that united everyone no matter who they are, or what they look like, but on the other hand, I have a hard time accepting it, since it’s because of this idea that I hardly know my own parents. Everyone is supposed to show the same amount of care and affection to all members of Amity.

I scoot closer to my sister and grab her hand. She looks down at our hands, her smile barely there and we don’t say anything for a long while. 

The fire has to turn to coal, and the wind nips at my ear. 

“We have to choose what is right.” I hear my sister whisper. I almost jolt from the sudden words, but stare at the coals for a while longer. 

“How do we decide what is right?”

“I think,” a slight pause, “I think we have to consider more than ourselves. I know this should be our own choice, it is our future, but it might end up affecting more than just us.” 

For a few minutes I don’t even know how to respond. Tori had said the same thing, that for everyone else’s sake I should choose carefully. I understand to some extent, but in the long run, it can’t be that important. 

“We should stand up for ourselves.” I murmur. It’s silent again and it feels like Annie’s frustrated. 

“We both know where home is.” I hear after the coals have turned black and suddenly I understand. I think back to my test results. In my attempt to be more brave than I was, in my attempt to be more than I am, I watched someone die. 

Even if Annie didn’t mean it, something in me withered. I should stay in Amity. If I tried too hard to be someone I’m not, like I did in the test, I might end up hurting a lot more people than just myself. 

I don’t remember getting to the ceremony. One minute I was sleeping, and the next, I’m being pushed out of my cot and towards a truck. I don’t remember getting into it with Annie or other Amity girls and boys, and I hardly remember walking into the building we are in now. The minute I woke up all I felt was dread, I couldn’t even put on a mask of a smile today. I hoped that it would ebb away as we drove to the ceremony but it just piled up on itself until it was in my throat and I wanted to throw up. 

I hoped that making my decision last night would make me feel at peace, because what I chose is what I felt was right. Right shouldn’t feel so wrong. 

Annie nudges my shoulder as we all get seated in the Ceremony Hall so I look over at her. She has a smile on her face and nods at me, like she knows I’m having conflicting thoughts. I look down at my lap, and my face twists up slightly like when I’m about to cry. I pinch my thigh. I will be happy in Amity, I know it and eventually, I’ll be happy with my decision. 

I haven’t been listening to the speech Marcus Eaton is giving, because all I can hear is my own heartbeat. I look up at the different bowls, one for each faction, and shiver. There’s a boy coming up to them, grabbing on to the knife that Marcus gives him. I almost gag. Looking at that knife, I feel useless and weak, like when I was watching the little girl die and the disgust I feel is so overwhelming I have to take a deep breath. How can I even live with myself?

The boy cuts through his palm and let’s the blood drip into the bowl of glass shards. Candor. I shiver at the sight of blood. I watch as one by one a boy or girl slice into their palms and make what I believe to be the hardest decision of my life. 

The names started to blend together, one after the other. The sound of shoes scuffing the ground, the knife handle clinking against the table and the sharp inhale that follows become almost meditative. Nothing feels real, but I’m jerked back to my sense when I hear the next name. 

“Anastasia Thysia” 

I look up at my sister, who’s already standing up from her seat. Her face is stern but her wide eyes give her away. She gives me a look that makes me think she’s in pain and moves down the aisle towards the bowls. The air is still and I can barely hear myself breathing. Maybe I’m not breathing, holding it in as I watch my sister pick up the knife. I watch as she slices her palm with it, blood rising to the surface. She stands still for a second too long because Marcus Eaton reaches out for a knife. Before he can grab it she’s letting her blood drip onto the soil of Amity. 

I don’t know what to feel, disappointment and relief are fighting to dominate my emotions but I just feel blank. 

“Alexandra Thysia” 

I stiffen. Someone pulls at my arm until I’m standing and I catch my sister’s eyes before I’m pushed into the aisle down to the bowls. She’s crying. I can barely think, barely comprehend what all of that means.

_ We both know where home is.  _

I stand in front of the bowls, and my eyes fall to the knife. My fingers are shaking so bad, I have to pick up the knife with both hands. My vision blurs and I nearly gag. The weight of this knife reminds me of my weakness. I cut myself and I watch my blood pool in my palm. 

All of a sudden, a surge of self-hatred and cruelty and determination takes over me, and I promise to never let myself be weak again. To never let what I hate the most about myself become all I am. I clench my teeth and yank my arm out, watching red drops of blood sizzle in hot coal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhh deciding what they choose was the hardest part :((


	6. Chapter 6

I stand rooted to the spot as blood drips from my clenched fist. I try to summon back the demon that pulled my hand towards the hot coal, but I’m standing alone, my eyes wide and staring at the bowls. 

I hear howling and cheering and I come back to reality. I stumble off the platform and quickly glance back at where my sister sits and I can’t find her. I feel a small surge of relief in knowing I don’t have to see the horror I know would be flooding her eyes. I turn around and I’m faced with a wall of darkness, a wall of tattoos, and piercings and colored hair and people are patting my back, yelling in my ear and ruffling my hair. For a brief moment, I let myself smile a little, let myself feel satisfaction in my choice. 

“Pathetic.” I turn around at the voice and stare at a boy in Erudite blue. I look around unconsciously to see if anyone heard but people are cheering on another girl who just chose Dauntless. I look back at him again and he’s smiling in sarcastic pity. I taste something sour in my mouth and turn away before the bile can reach my throat. 

I never had to deal with such cruelty in Amity, and if someone had even dared to utter such words, the whole compound would be dealing out consequences. But I’m not Amity anymore and I feel weak again, which grips my heart like poison pushing tears into my eyes so I turn back around with a scowl that feels unfamiliar on my face. 

Before my eyes make it to the boy, I’m being shoved forward. I trip over someone's shoe and I can feel myself falling forward, the pressure of hundreds of bodies pushing behind me. Panic clouds every other thought in my brain and I reach out to grab onto something when I’m pulled up roughly. I get a glimpse of dark hair and a grey sweater and I’m being pushed again. My mind is moving a million miles an hour but it all comes to a halt when I lock eyes with my sister on her way out with all of the Amity friends I grew up with. 

I don’t understand the emotions painting her features but it makes my eyes sting and I have to swallow back a lump in my throat. We’ve reached the stares and I’ve begun to run. This time when I meet the eyes of the Erudite boy I’m scowling, my eyes only a little wet. 

_ Pathetic. Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic.  _

The words make me feel weak and small and I hate it. Adrenaline burns through my blood and I’m smiling, I feel manic. I run, concrete pounding pulses through my whole body but as I keep running, I realize I have no idea where we’re going. 

Suddenly there’s a loud sudden clash and something flies past me. I turn around in alarm and see a train flying past me one car at a time, so fast I can barely see anything besides a blurry grey stripe. I’m still running when I see someone throw themselves towards the train and they’re gone. I barely manage to muffle a gasp, but as I watch with wide eyes, more and more Dauntless disappear.

I keep my next gasp in when I finally understand what is happening and at the same time pure terror fills my mind. They want us to jump onto the train. I don’t even have time to think about it as the crowd in front of me becomes smaller and smaller and my eyes stumble from one person in black to another until it lands on a boy in blue. 

_ Pathetic. _

My eyes harden, and I can feel something in me boil, and I can feel my muscles burn as I run faster. 

In a moment of pure disgust and repulsion for myself and the fear that clenches onto my heart, I elbow past the boy pushing him aside and throw myself towards the trains. I almost close my eyes but don’t even have time to blink before all the air in my lungs is punched out of me by the train door. I grip onto the handle until I can feel my skin stretching around my knuckles painfully. Sweat drips down my neck and I shove myself forward. 

I lay gasping on the train car floor, trying to keep my vision in focus. My arms shake as I lift myself off the ground, and as I look up, I can barely make out the initiates sitting against the wall. Someone reaches for my arm and tries to pull me up so I can sit down across from them, but I tear my arm out of their grasp. 

“Hey, hey it’s ok. Relax, you just looked a little out of it.” I feel another drop of sweat roll down the side of my face. I should have tied my hair up. I look up to see a girl in a red jacket, her hair brushing in front of her face from the wind. 

“Sorry!” My words come out as a gasp as I push myself to my knees, and fall back against the wall. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re ok” The girl smiles back at me. Something about an Amity smile makes me feel warm. I try to smile back but it feels like I’m moving in slow motion, my body refusing to listen to me. 

“I think I’ve seen you around our compound before.” She tilts her head as if remembering.

“It’s not our compound anymore.”

“Yeah, I guess it’s not. I guess it just hasn’t hit me yet.” She lets out a small laugh and she looks beautiful. 

Beside the Amity girl sits a Candor boy and girl. Neither of them are paying attention to us. The Amity girl looks away and we sit silently for a while. 

In the silence, everything starts to weigh down on me. I’ll probably never see Annie again. It dawns on me that this rash decision that I’ve made affects the rest of my life. I will be Dauntless, not Amity. I will never see my sister again. I’ll never see the fields of Amity and the animals that come to visit the singing Amity girls and boys. And now the only thing I can do is hope that I won’t suffer from regret for the rest of my life. 

I don’t know what it’s going to feel like when it “hits me” but I have a suspicion that it feels something like what I feel right now. 

I look up at Amity girl again, and she looks calm, peaceful. As if choosing Dauntless was never out of the question. And it probably wasn’t, it was probably the test result she got. I feel stupid. Why didn't I choose Amity? 

“Where are we going?” I startle but then realize that those words came from me. 

“Dauntless compound, probably? Have no clue where it is though.” The Amity girl laughs again, and her hair sticks to her lips as it whips around in the wind. I look at my feet. 

Silence again. It feels like ages have gone by when I hear a shout. 

“They’re jumping!” I look at the Candor boy and his eyes have doubled in size, one of his thin fingers pointing somewhere in front of him. Behind me. I whip my head around and feel the panic return. There’s a rooftop. And as I stare at it in confusion, a girl appears on it, rolling forward before getting up. As I keep staring more and more people are jumping. 

“They’re not going to slow down the train?” I yell in panic, the wind carries away my voice. I look at the other initiates in the train car with me but none of them are looking at me. One second I’m looking at the Amity girl clutching onto the wall, and in the next, I'm watching her fly through the air, screaming. 

I stare after her in shock. Looking out the window, I realize the edge of the roof is getting closer and soon enough the train will drive right by it. If I don't jump, I'm going to get left behind. I’m not going to let my fear take away the one choice I got to make on my own. I back away from the door. 

I bend my knees and squint my eyes. I don’t even feel myself running but when I push myself out of the train car, I scream through clenched teeth. 

I hadn’t realized that when I chose Dauntless, death was going to become an option.


	7. Chapter 7

I slam into the building wall, my breath leaving in a painful gasp. I manage to hook my arms over the roof, my arms straining from holding my body's weight. I hadn’t even considered that I wouldn’t make it to the roof. 

I try to breathe in, to calm myself, but my breaths come in shaky and shallow. Maybe someone will help me. I look up, and realize no one is even paying attention. I turn around and look at the ground and have to shut my eyes so that I don’t pass out. Letting go is not an option. 

Then I hear someone call out to me and I look back up. A tall figure of a boy runs up to the ledge. He’s wearing all black, so he must be a Dauntless born. I try to get a good look at what he looks like but my mind is reeling in panic. 

“C’mon, you got this.” He reaches out, but I hear another yell. 

“Wouldn’t a true Dauntless make it up here themselves?” I don’t know who said that but panic boils up in my brain again. They wouldn’t leave me hanging, would they? I look at the ground again and it’s spinning beneath me. 

“She’s got plenty of opportunities to prove herself.” The Dauntless born grabbed on to my arms and hauled me up. I land on my knees, and he helps me up, holding on to me until my legs stop shaking so hard. 

This time when I looked up, I was able to see what he looked like. He had brown hair, cropped to a short haircut and amber colored eyes. We were standing so close I could see the freckles dotting along his cheeks and nose. I pulled back abruptly and he smiles. 

“Thank you,” I said. 

“You’re very welcome.” I didn’t know what else to say. His words sounded light and cheerful and I wanted to say thank you again so he knew I was serious. 

“Tal, get over here.” Someone yelled, “quit flirting with the girl”

The boy, Tal, laughed, winked at me and jogged back to the circle of initiates. 

“And you,” I looked at the older Dauntless man standing on the edge of the roof. He must be an instructor or leader of some sort. “Now’s not the time to play damsel in distress. Let’s get moving.” 

I could hear the other initiates laughing and my ears and cheeks burned in embarrassment. I jog over to the other initiates and try to look straight ahead, my eyes wanting to fall to the ground. 

“I face planted the wall when I jumped onto the train.” I turn to my right. Next to me stands a tall boy in grey clothing. He’s not facing me, but I could tell he was the one that whispered. “We all have to start somewhere.” His voice is shaking. I wonder if he’s just as scared, just as worried as I am. Just as hopeful to stay alive. 

“Thanks” I whisper back, not moving my head, “I hope you make it.”

“You too” We stay silent, not even turning to look at one another. It’s a different type of comfort that I had in Amity, a much more hidden one. But it makes me warm inside, especially because this stranger didn’t owe anything to be nice to me. . 

The older man from before suddenly hops up on the ledge of the roof, right at the edge. My heart beats like it wants to escape. I didn’t think about how we’re getting off this building. The stairs, maybe, but the Dauntless considered helping someone from falling from a building's roof to be cowardly. We aren’t taking the stairs. 

They’re going to make us jump. Of course they are. It feels like there's cotton in my ears and I can barely hear what the man says. 

“Welcome to Dauntless!” he shouts. “Where you either face your fears and try not to die in the process, or you leave a coward. We’ve got a record low of faction transfers this year, unsurprisingly.”

The words “coward” stirs something nasty in me. I’d rather die trying. The boy next to me stiffens. Is he scared, too? 

“As usual, I offer the opportunity to go first to our initiates, Dauntless-born or not.” He hops down from the roof’s edge and looks around.

It suddenly becomes too real. Jumping off a building? What’s at the bottom? Is it a test to check whether we’re stupid enough to do something like this? I look around. There’s a considerably larger amount of Dauntless-born than transfer initiates. I catch the eye of Tal, and he winks at me. I furrow my brows and look away. 

There’s only seven transfer initiates. The boy next to me, the Amity girl, Candor boy and Candor girl from the train, another Candor boy and the Erudite boy from the ceremony. I scowl at him. 

_ Pathetic.  _

My foot moves involuntarily forward, shaking, but before I can comprehend what happens, someone else steps forward. A dark-skinned boy had stepped out of the circle of Dauntless-born. 

“Go, Zeke!” One of the other Dauntless-born yells. 

The boy, Zeke, jumps up onto the ledge with ease, but then stumbles, and tips over the edge, falling and screaming. A girl gasps behind me but I can’t even let myself do that. I can’t breathe, like my body locked up, frozen and stiff. I barely hear the Dauntless-born initiates laughing. 

I try to think through it rationally. If they’re laughing, that means there must be something at the bottom to catch him, unless they’re all heartless, which is also an option. But the instructor wouldn’t just drop initiates off a building to kill them, so it must be safe. Terrifying, but safe. The instructor smiles, and gestures toward the ledge again. 

I’m moving before I can even think about it. One step, and then the next, and then another one. I get up onto the ledge. I’m visibly shaking, and when I look down, I see a whole in the ground. My vision blurs and I hold myself from wiping the tears I know are surfacing so I don’t look pathetic. 

_ Pathetic.  _

“You gotta do this one on your own.” I hear stifled laughter. It’s the Erudite boy. 

_ Pathetic.  _

I step off the ledge, and this time, when I’m sailing through the air, I close my eyes. 


End file.
